Only Puddles
by sasamichan707
Summary: Shuichi deals with grieving. Warnings: Main character death.


Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or Gravitation.

Please see the author's note at the end.

Shuichi sat on the bed; sheets, blankets, and pillows removed. He looked around the empty room, it had never been jammed with stuff in the first place, but now that even the furniture was removed, Shuichi realized how big the room really was. He had spent the last two days sitting in each room after it had been emptied by the movers. Shuichi had requested that the bedroom be the last to be cleared. Looking down on the bed he grabbed the slightly crumpled pack of cigarettes sitting by his leg. Shuichi pulled out the last one fumbling with the lighter he had in his other hand. With shaking fingers he lit it and took a puff, ignoring the wetness around his face.

Tears were common to him as they started falling every time he lit one more cigarette. Shuichi smoked to the butt, inhaling deeply. As the last of the ashes fell he threw the end into an empty can sitting next to his feet in what used to be an empty beer can now filled with cigarette butts.

It was the last can Yuki had drank.

Shuichi shook his head refusing to brush the tears out of his eyes, instead letting them dry and harden on his face. Shuichi had warned his lover that it would kill him one day. Cigarettes and beer were not known to provide longevity. Shuichi wished he'd never said that now.

It had been a year ago to the day that he received the news.

_ Shuichi had rushed home early that night to surprise Yuki. They had just finished the last track for their 3rd album. Since they were trying to make a deadline to meet, Shuichi had been staying late every night and by the he got home Yuki was asleep, slumped over his laptop. But that night was going to be different and Shuichi was going to convince the writer to collaborate with him._

_ Shuichi slammed open the door screaming "I'm HOME!" as he took off his shoes and went running to find Yuki. As he went searching through the house he started getting frustrated. All of the rooms were empty and there was no note. Shuichi went back into the large living room and saw a can of beer sitting on the table. He felt it was still cold and figure Yuuki had just for a few minutes. He sied and fell onto the couch. He supposed he couldn't be super mad at Yuki for not being there. Its not like Shuichi had called to say he'd be home earlier or anything. He grabbed for the remote and flipped the television on, hoping for a distraction._

_ As he started flipping he realized all the stations had on the same thing. A special report about some accident. Shuichi stopped to see what all the fuss was, it must have been a pretty bad wreck for all the stations to preempt their shows. He read the ticker at the bottom and his blood froze. 'Famous author in fatal wreck.' Shuichi shook his head, there was no way. It was too much of a coincidence, besides it wasn't like Yuki was the only famous author in Japan. Shuichi started looking closer at the images, a familiar black car was crumpled next to a smashed blue one. The black car's driver side almost reached the passenger door and the blue car's front end reminded him of an accordion._

_ Shuichi didn't realize he was shaking until his phone started ringing and tried to pick it up. "Hello?" he said with a shaky voice. He wasn't sure when the tears started, he vaguely heard a quiet 'shit' before the caller started talking to him._

_ "Shindo, this is Toma. Are you watching the news right now?" Shuichi nodded his head dumbly and kept staring at the screen. A few minutes passed in silence._

_ "Shindo?" Toma spoke, breaking Shuichi out of his numbness._

_ "Hello?" Shindou asked, having forgotten who he was talking to._

_ "Shindo, this is Toma. I have news about Yuki." This made Shuichi snap as he yelled into the phone. _

_ "Yuki? Where is HE? Is he OK? WHAT IS GOING ON?" Shuichi was screaming by the last word. _

_ "Shindo, as I'm sure you guessed, Yuki was in a car wreck earlier this evening. I'm sending a car to get you as the press are sure to be at your door any time now. Do not open the door for anyone but K. We'll talk more after."_

_ The phone went dead before Shuichi was aware the conversation had ended. His eyes were still glued to the screen as new images started flashing across the screen. 'It had said fatal' Shuichi thought to himself. 'But for who? Both of them?' He was so caught up in his own thoughts he was unaware of the knocking on the door until a gun shot rang out. Shuichi walked to to door and opened it, allowing K to drag him to the car. Shuichi was surprised to see Toma sitting in the car as well._

_ "Shindo kun," Toma began but was interrupted by a hysterical Shuichi, who had grabbed his shirt and started screaming at Toma's face. _

_ "WHERE IS HE? WHAT HAPPENED? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ANYTHING? YUKI'S OK RIGHT? HE'S FINE. TELL ME HE'S FINE!" Shuichi screamed through the tape K had placed on Shuichi's mouth._

_ Toma turned towards Shuichi with a look in his eyes that made Shuichi close his and wish he had use of his hands to hold over his ears._

_ "The other driver was drunk and ran through a red light as Yuki was going through the intersection. The speed was too great and Yuki was killed on impact. I'm sorry Shindo kun, but Yuki is dead." _

_ Shuichi shook his head violently hoping to erase everything if he shook it hard enough. He thought he had succeeded when the world turned black._

Shuichi crushed the can he was holding as more water spots appeared on his pants. The next few nights after he was given the news were fuzzy to him. He still couldn't remember much except crying every night. He remembered the tears, caking his face, making it hard to close his eyes and soaking the collar of his shirt. He had been stuffed up for weeks after, making singing practically impossible. Not that he tried. He had locked himself in the apartment and shut off his phone for a month afterwords. He heard knocking on the door occasionally, but he refused to answer it. He only got out of bed to feed and relieve himself and even that was an effort.

The next month K broke into the apartment and dragged him to the studio with Hiro following after them. Shuichi didn't try the first few days and just sat there in front of the microphone opening and closing his mouth, no sounds coming out.

The next week he started pretending, having noticed his friends worried looks. It wasn't fair to them, to pull them down because of him. So Shuichi, 4 months after the death of his lover, became Shuichi again. At least to everyone he acted that way. On the inside though, there was nothing there. Yuki held that part of him, and without Yuki there, it was like a part of him was dead too.

Every night Shuichi would go home, yell "I'm HOME!" to an empty house, mainly for his friends' benefit since someone always walked or drove him home and he would take his shoes off and close the door. Shuichi would walk to the table, bow to the can of beer he had never moved and go to the bedroom.

Since that night, he had never turned the television on again, so unless someone else was in the apartment, there was silence. He would stay in the bed until he had to get up the next morning, soaking up the scent of Yuki for as long as he could.

Finally, Shuichi was convinced to sell the apartment and move into something smaller. Hiro convinced him, trying to get Shuichi to move closer to him. Shuichi knew he wasn't really fooling his friend with his upbeat attitude and Shuichi found himself grateful and resentful at the same time.

But Shuichi sold the apartment anyway and today was his last day. He had slowly been removing every trace of his life with Yuki. It had taken a month to clean everything out. Shuichi never realized how much stuff Yuki had until that day. It made him realize once again how much Yuki had kept hidden, not wanting anyone to know.

Shuichi got up from the bed, the only piece of furniture that was staying and walked out of the room. He slowly made his way towards the door, refusing to let himself look at the bare walls. He was done drowning in the memories. Shuichi's grip tightened on the used can, shaking it to hear the little bit of beer left slosh around with the smoked cigarette butts.

He would keep the can. At least for a while.

He knew a cab was waiting for him downstairs, so Shuichi turned back to his home for one last time and bowed.

"Goodbye, Yuki" his voice barely audible as more tears fell. He backed out and shut the door.

End/

Author's Note: This is a reworked version of my story Pocky and Puddles that I began writing over ten years ago. I was writing it as a birthday present for my best friend. She died suddenly over 6 years ago (not in a car accident) and it hit me very hard. For several years I couldn't even think about this show without getting very upset. However, I decided to rewrite this to really put emotion into what it feels like when someone you care about strongly passes away with no warning. A lot of the emotions Shuichi goes through in this story were ones I dealt with. I will not be adding anything on to this story, nor will I ever update Pocky and Puddles again. But I wanted to share this story for myself.


End file.
